burton-land:

In the first footage, which is said to be the teaser Johnny Depp is seen having his mouth “literally soaked with blood”. Though so, the movie is “being marketed as a kind of comedy.” It is said that audience will hear the sound of a car and Depp shouts at it, “Show yourself Satan!”

Another funny moment will come from Depp’s remarks to Eva Green, “You may strategically place your wonderful lips upon my posterior and kiss it repeatedly.” There is also a scene where Depp finds out that Chloe Moretz is 15-year-old and exclaims, “And no husband? You must put those birthing hips to good use at once lest your womb shrivel up and die.”

It is said that the first footage features less horror scenes, though there is one that shows Depp being covered in blood and another one that sees Green using her magic to open a curtain so that the sunlight could reach Depp, who then shrieks in horror.

The second video is reported to be the full-length trailer of the movie. It opens with a narration by Depp as he recalls how he gets cursed by Green, who destroys all he loves. Turning him into a vampire, Green puts him in a chained coffin and buries him alive. It then cuts to a scene when the coffin opens, and Depp comes out yawning.

Asking Jackie Earle Haley what is the year, Deep soon discovers it is 1972 and is left shocked by McDonald’s sign. It goes on to follow him as he returns to Collins Mansion and meets his family. Helena Bonham Carter asks him, “Who the hell is this?”, and he replies, “I am a vampire madam.” Jonny Lee Miller chimes in, “Yeah.”

When Depp later cleans up his fangs in a bathroom, he finds out he has no reflection in the mirror. Then, Moretz asks, “He’s not staying with us forever, is he?”, and her brother replies, “I like him.” After Michelle Pfeiffer says, “Welcome home Barnabas Collins”, Moretz slams shut the door with a “Keep Out” sign.

It then follows to a scene where Deep sees a TV and asks, “What sorcery is this?” He later rips open the TV’s back panel and yells at it, “Reveal yourself tiny songstress!” Moretz goes on telling him, “Are you stoned or something?” Suddenly Green walks in as Depp says, “Her name summons vomit to the recesses of my mouth.” She replies, “Ooooh no one talks like you anymore Barnabas.”

In another scene, Green is seen threatening Depp, “If I can’t have you, I’ll destroy you and your family.” Pfeiffer tells Depp, “Fight on Barnabas, fight on for us”, with a scene of ambulance and burning building. The male lead replies, “And fight I shall”, as he puts his hands out and blows up building.

During the intense scene, Green urges Depp, “Love me”, but he insists, “Never!’ She wrestles with Depp as they destroy a room while fighting. The lady then pins the man to the ground and licks his chest and face with her abnormally long tongue. At the end, he sits in the destroyed room and tells her, “That was a regrettable turn of events.”

The next scene shows Moretz saying, “I guess the only thing missing is Alice Cooper.” Depp answers, “She [Alice] should be our guest.” Then it cuts to a scene showing Alice singing and Depp says, “Ugliest woman I’ve ever seen.”

Depp explains that Green is the witch who killed the woman he loves and cursed him to be a hideous creature and asks Green “What is it you want?” Green rips off her shirt and Depp stares at her breasts and says “I must admit they have not aged a day”. Green slides her bottom on piano, lays back on couch and Depp growls. Green spins her head around while giving an evil smile. Helena Bonham Carter’s character asks “Is she for real” and Depp replies “Indeed” and puts his head down on organ keys playing high pitched note.

A train is moving then a ghostly appearance of Bella Heathcote’s character appears and says “She’s coming”. Voice over says “I don’t know what it is, there’s always been something funny here pulling me to you”. The real life Josette walks in. Depp stands up and says “Josette”. The little brother character says “That’s freaky” Bella Heathcote says to Depp “I feel like I’ve known you forever”.

*****

You get to see everyone especially Chloe who reminds me of Lydia from Bettlejuice without the goth look. Eva looks sexy in her green corset but she also has jokes. You see Jonny Lee Miller a couple of times and I thought it was a Woody Harrelson lookalike. Jackie Earle Haley looks exactly what I expected and he should make us laugh but his character is suppose to. The trailer shows a lot of cast members.

And I know he’s a fan but he doesn’t remind me of the TV Barnabas at all, he’s more like George Hamilton from Love at First Bite. I really wish I was lying and that I was making this up but unfortunately I’m not. To prove I’m not lying you will hear the song “People are Strange” when you see the trailer.

There is another joke where Barnabas is at the dinner table with Collins family and mentions that he wants to restart the family business(you then see a clip of a assemble line factory) and he ask the family to get the horses. Elizabeth (Pheiffer)replies, Horses? We don’t have horses we have Chevy’s. This was one of several jokes referring to him being in 1972.

I saw this in the trailer and he asks her, “What did I ever see in you” and she rips off her shirt to reveal a sexy green corset and her big boobs and he replies “Oh, now I remember.”

He does have fangs and he is strong, actually you see him really strong at one point of the trailer where he shouldn’t have any strength at all. I can see a debate coming.

It was actually a pretty finished cut. More stuff I remembered is a crane hitting the coffin and a construction worker yelling “we found something”, you then see something of an explosion or magic powers coming from the casket(I just realized that coffin and casket are the same thing, hahaha), a construction worker being dragged into the casket, Barnabas wandering around the town in awe of department store windows, Willie telling Barnabas that it’s 1972 and Barnabas saying 1972 in a weird, shocking, and funny way. He meet the Collins family and tells them he’s a distant relative, Lydia [Carolyn] makes a teenager wisecrack, in one scene Angelique greets him with a passionate kiss, you see Helena Carter but I couldn’t make out what she said.